1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
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[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
Childbirth is so beautiful
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?