So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
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“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.