If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
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We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.