Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
You Might Also Like
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.