I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
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When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!