All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
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[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you