I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
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Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift