Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
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Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Saw online –
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.