There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
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If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
I am crying
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.