4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.