*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
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Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces