“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
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My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent