This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
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I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
How about daylight saves us for once
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
where’s Godzilla when we need him
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.