Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
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If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..