If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
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Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”