Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
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Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Money is the root of all wealth
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession