I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
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If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now