My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
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I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Very problematic
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
I am crying