your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
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Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life