At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
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If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
#gardening
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?