*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
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I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*