I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
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The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”