hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
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I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
I think I’ll stand
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart