I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
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16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.