geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
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Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
😂💯
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!