My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
You saw nothing. I am ham.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)