aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
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I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Has there ever been a more American story?
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.