Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
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Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.