—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
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Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
My plans: 2020:
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”