dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
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Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”