is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
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If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”