*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
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Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.