The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
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if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters