My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
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[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.