I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
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Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.