Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
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My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?