Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
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Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
oh you like architecture? name three walls
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.