Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
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There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
They did not miss in the small print
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”