me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
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Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER