Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
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*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
I just tested negative for patience.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven