detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
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😂😂😂
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you