As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
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Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
God, I love Scotland
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.