Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
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Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.