My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
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Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
oh you wanna fight?!
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.