Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
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me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
#parenting
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”