If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
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I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Midwest trash talk
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed