CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
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Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”