just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
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Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
doing some research
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?