who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
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what the
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
wait.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
technically true but not a great slogan