When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
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I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god